Here’s a little present to welcome the onslaught of summer.

It’s seriously been forever and a day since I updated this and I would apologize but I won’t because if you really wanted some info you would’ve called me. (this is implying that no one calls me) 

The first set of news. The softball team finally made it to the top! The year I’m not there, they go all the way to win the Reilly cup. Congrats!

March:
This month kinda sucked at first.  
Apparently this past winter was ‘mild’. That being not cold. An average of -30 is pretty damned cold. Anywho, the first day of March was the first day in the positive temperatures this year which seemed like a good sign. It wasn’t. Everything resolidified as wonderful ice and that lasted until April. Also the entire world became a gray/brown mud ice combination which in David Remnick’s ‘Lenin’s Tomb’ is described “euphemistically as spring. The melting snow, the dun-colored landscape, the buses so caked in mud that you could not see out the windows, the sudden appearance of defeated-looking weeds, all reminded one Russian friend of ‘an old whore disrobing.’“ During this period my boots started to fall apart. With the falling apart of my boots also came the unraveling of my socks. 
 
Work wasn’t that great in March either. I discovered the reason easily enough but there was nothing I could do to fix the problem. In the Kazakh school year, each of the four quarters consists of two months. Except the 3rd quarter. It is three months. In the last month the children can’t seem to calm down and are basically out of control. But it ended soon enough. We should tell all the big drug companies to send over adderall and focalin and they’ll make a ton. I was able to teach ‘Mean Girls’ to my 11th graders. That was pretty successful. I explained how American high school is exactly like that.

A few of my friends in town and I went to the pizzeria one day to eat some pizza. We arrive at the pizzeria and are like, ‘yes, I would like to order a pizza.’ They responded with, ‘we don’t have pizza today, you need to order it 1 day in advance.’ I was even annoyed by it, it was so Kazakhstan. My boy Arystan went to Texas A and M and loves ‘How I Met Your Mother’ which is pretty awesome for someone in Akkol … and totally unexpected. He works with satellite communications and does some crazy science stuff I can’t really explain nor understand completely.

One day was Women’s Day (March 8th). This is the day women are respected in Kazakhstan. I wonder how the government will spin the news when they learn that their precious ‘Golden Man’ remains from the Saka is going to be confirmed by archaeologists as a female in the near-future. (queue brains exploding) ‘Hold on, our famous leader-ancestor was a woman?!?’ (brains explode)

I participated in the ritualistic slaughter of a sheep in my backyard on the day also. This sheep was a total bastard so it’s cool that his blood stained the snow red. He was a boy and always tried to ram his fucking horns at me when I fed him. Now he’s feeding me. First, the feet were tied together and it was placed in the snow. Within a second, that big artery in its throat was spilling blood into the snow. Its life lasted less than a minute after that. Can I use the term ‘hissed’ as the way a liquid flows? If I can that’s how I’ll describe it, if you have never seen a mammal with its throat slit. The blood was so warm that it melted the snow and caused red steam to evaporate into the atmosphere. When it snowed later that day, I wondered if some of the flakes were red. Speaking of the snow, there goes the mud and ice – it’s all snow again. Within five minutes the skin was all gone and then within another ten it was chopped into different chops that look like they were sitting in a glass case in the supermarket. The skin and most of the internal organs were trashed for some reason. (like half the time I eat ridiculous organs like tongues and hearts and stomachs filled with ground liver) It seemed rather inefficient. I felt like I could have made gloves or a rope or something from its wool. Isn’t that wool is used for anyway?? Anywho, I have some videos but they are rather graphic. One involves Kairbek going at the sheep’s head with a torch and his grandson asks when we will do this to the dog and he had to explain that we don’t eat dogs. I thought it was funny because I’d eat the dog in a heartbeat. Some Korean restaurants have dog on the menu here but there are none in my town, I’m gonna have to search for one. I hate the dogs in Kazakhstan, every single one of them. They’re everywhere. I also now know how to peel the skin off a mammal. You roll your fists in a mock imitation of Popeye punching someone sort of like kneading dough for bread. There’s also like no blood when you do it. The only blood from the whole experience was when the animal was first killed. They thought I’d be disturbed by the whole experience but I responded with a “klassno!” (cool!)

I went to Astana with Mike, Chris, Sagar, and Jessie at the beginning of that month to spend the night and have a club at the law/economic college. After the club we got a place to stay and went out to a bar that brewed its on beer. It was delicious. And it was in the Radisson so that means it cost bank so I don’t plan on going there every time I’m in Astana. Afterwards, we headed over to a club – ‘Seoul’. They had a pretty big line and it was right next to where we were staying (literally, I think it’s the same building) so it was very convenient. A bunch of people were inside and they had a DJ/Emcee having a variety of activities in addition to the music. Good Times. There were dancers in bikinis at one point. Then there was a danceoff between 3 guys and each guy had 2 girls with them to dance with. Now I should have been a judge because I have an excellent eye for dancing. So each guy danced with 2 girls. And one guy was clearly a superior dancer than the other two. But when it was just down to 2 guys the one girl with the not as good dancing guy decided to strip, probably because she is the skankiest girl this side of the Ishim River, and that guy ended up winning. Sure everyone got to see the chick get naked but that doesn’t mean that the dude should win. They should just have given a conciliation prize to this girl on the side. Total bullshit. Plus she had on a push-up bra so when she took her shirt off the package looked nice but inside it was filled with nothing. Then a guy came out with two flaming sticks and then started blowing fireballs for some reason. I went back to the apartment. I woke up the next day got doners and headed home. It was the 48th anniversary of Peace Corps.  

On St Patrick’s Day I visited every store in my town to try to find a Guinness. I found Bailey’s for 30$ a bottle. I got an MGD instead.  
 
There’s a frozen dog standing upright in the i-spy game from last time. It’s rotting on its side in a ditch now. The face was eaten by maggots and now you can see the skull. (update: it’s gone, I think buried)

On March 19 I got on a train to Shymkent. This is when my joss turned good. It was about 24 hours long. I was in a wagon with a bunch of young college students. It was pretty cool. I got to Shymkent at night on the 20th. Fun started then. Many of my friends had congregated to this city in the Deep South for the holiday of Nauryz. This is the traditional Kazakh New Year celebration. It aligns with the equinox and comes from the time before God was born. It was sunny and hot. On the 21st we got on a bus and headed to Otrar and Turkistan. Otrar is famous because they refused to pay tribute to a Jengis Khan. When Khan heard this, he jumped on the next horse outta Mongolia and proceeded to conquer the entire Central Asian Steppe and when his bloodlust was not sated he turned on Russia and Ukraine. Now it’s just foundations and ruins. We didn’t know if we could go in the park place so we went over the fence, but it was okay because our CD was with us and said if something happened that “they can’t arrest us all.” Turkistan has this badass mausoleum. Apparently if you visit it three times it’s the equivalent of one trip to Mecca. I don’t believe that though, mainly because I’m not a Muslim and that’s like saying the Catholic Church in TR is like St Peter’s in Rome. It just doesn’t work like that. However, it was badass. Had this cool mosaic work all over it and a big cauldron in it. Turkistan is also located near the Syr-Darya River. Which is pretty important not only for the water it brings through here now but also in history as being an important stop along the Silk Road. (Funny story, due to the excellent Soviet administration it is now almost completely dry and that highly contributes to the drying of the Aral Sea and turning southern Kaz into a desert. Oh wait, that’s not funny at all) Me and Hotard went to the museum and made some little kids’ days by talking with them in English. The next day was actual Nauryz. We had some of the food and it rained. Then we all trekked to the Hippodrome for the games:

Kokpar –the Kazakh national sport of 2 teams of 7 men riding on horse back and using a decapitated goat carcass as a ball and attempting to battle each other to throw the ‘ball’ in the goal.  
Kyz-kuu – the game in which a man chases a girl. both are on horses, if the man catches the girl before the finish he gets to kiss her, if he doesn’t she takes out her whip and asserts herself as an independent female in a highly patriarchal society – what a beautiful game when the women win
Audaryspak – two men are each on horses and take off their shirts. they approach each other and then start to fight. first one off his horse loses

It was a pretty sweet day overall. It rained so much though that most people left but me and Hotard stuck it out and then we went to the Shymkent zoo. Imagine a zoo in a capital city of a developing country. Now picture what a zoo in a non-capital city in a developing city. I took one picture there, it’s this one. The world’s saddest bear. You should’ve seen the tigers and wolves. Such a shame. Little locks cover the doors but I think I would be arrested and deported if I cut them off and I can wait for the end of my service for that.

That night I got horse pizza and it was good. Then there was an Olympic competition between the north and the south, I showed up late because I was busy getting horse pizza but the second half was pretty fun. team north is pretty solid.

The next day I wandered Shymkent alone and met with Britt and she bought me the most delicious food in Kazakhstan, a chocolate cake with a molten core that is covered in ice cream. That is like unheard of here. It was so good. Later was a bus overnight to Almaty for IST seminar and PDM seminar with volunteers.

Those days passed pretty fast and they were alright, some meetings were a hit some were a miss the PDM was good because it helped me out a lot, I don’t know if it helped everyone that much though. One night we wanted to sing karaoke because it’s basically my favorite thing but it was way expensive so we went to a different place and then it was Jenn’s bday and we all went out for that and everyone had fun and was safe and incredibly responsible. I also was inducted as honorary ocap even though I’m edu. what what… 

April:
I came back on the train to Akkol. The snow was gone. I taught and started Frisbee club which is more popular than English club. I’ve been to Astana a few times(med university, American councils, law/econ college). The snow came back. There’s an American dude that comes to my town 2x a week to do something like help at school #3.
  
I’m friends with this girl in Astana named Asem that I met on a train randomly and we did the phone number exchange thing and actually contacted each other again. This is shocking because every volunteer probably knows that half of Kazakhstan has their phone numbers. She lived in San Francisco for like 2 years so she’s pretty awesome and another year in North Carolina for study abroad. We went to the Independence Palace and saw this sweet future map model city of Astana which I don’t think can possibly be finished due to the combination of krisis and they need 2 mil people in Astana for it to work. That’s kinda stretching it. And then there was the 4-d video.

So I’m sitting there watching it and wind is blowing in my face and I got 3-d glasses on and the chair is shaking and then a snake is coming to eat an egg and this eagle comes down to kill the snake but the eagle is actually the Kazakh people and Nursultan Nazarbayev pops up in 4-d. Life changing moment for me. I almost joined the NurOtan Party.

Speaking of NurOtan, I asked my friend Aitugan if he was a member. He responded with “I would never be associated with those fucking retards.” (This is me being non-political right? I didn’t say that – and no offense to any members of the party that read this) I had a balanced pro-NurOtan quote along with this but I wouldn’t want to inadvertently refer to that person as a ‘fucking retard’.  

Carolyn is super awesome. Well I mean I have to hate her because she’s a banker and the whole crisis is entirely her fault but with the sweet payout she’s making from making the little man even poorer she sent me a new Star Wars t-shirt. That’s the nicest thing ever.

The second half of April had teaching and nice weather. I did English clubs at Med University some more and Economic/Law College and a meeting at American Councils over some Saturdays. School went pretty well. Days seemed to be cancelled for various reasons I didn’t understand. Except one, we got off for Lenin’s Birthday and when I asked if we still celebrate Lenin’s Birthday they mostly said no (not 100% of people asked said no) and it was a coincidence that on a random Wednesday we got out of school.  

May:
Friendship/National Unity Day was the 1st of May and I went to Kokshetau with Jenny and Brendan and hung out there and tried to go to the English Textbook store but it was a holiday and closed and that sucked, I gotta go up there again soon then. Then another week of school went by and one day was like Soldier’s Day and I was given a mug and then came Victory Day so we got to cheer that we defeated the Nazis. There was a parade and celebration in the town square and afterwards I went on a quest to find the local river with Aitugan and that involved driving out into the steppe and getting basically lost in the middle of nowhere. We never found the river. Maybe it dried up.

May 5th was Cinco de Mayo so I had to bring the holiday here. I celebrated by cooking a Mexican fiesta of enchiladas. They were the 2nd worst enchiladas I ever ate, the worst I ever made. Mainly because I had to create the ingredients by myself and substitute everything. I think the consensus of professional enchilada eaters of TR has to agree that the best ever were consumed in Chile in the sunny hamlet of Arica. The worst, I think that’s a secret between me and my mom, but we both know whose those are.  

One day I decided to walk to this tower on a hill in the distance because the weather was great. Little did I know that there was a dirt road through the forest to it which makes sense. So instead I went straight through the forest and tried to see the tower whenever there was a clearing. I made it eventually. I saw a hare, some lizards, and a bunch of birds which was pretty cool. There was a guy near the tower planting flowers and he asked me questions about if I was a spy. I responded with “why would an American spy come to this solitary tower in the middle of the forest in Kazakhstan?” actually I didn’t, I explained that I was a teacher in Akkol and he was like “you’re not from Astana?” as if an American in Akkol is blasphemous to the town’s existence.  

The next day a bunch of guests came over. We entertained them by having 4 men drink a few liters of vodka. At our finest moment we punched a horse’s leg. Why? Because its tradition. And yes it broke. There was marrow everywhere!

Oh I got World Cup Tickets, so I’ll be in Africa next summer. The game is the 24th of June in Capetown, 2010. I will be there with Sagar. We welcome all that would like to join us for great fun.  

Then it was Sagar’s birthday. His special talent is that he cleans his ears like 10 times a day every day. I went up to Shchuchinsk and Mike cooked beef bourginon and we drank some whiskey(the greatest luxury in Kazakhstan, so luxurious that it was imported from the states) and wine and it was pretty chill. The next day was a teacher’s conference. Being hungover at a teacher’s conference is awful, especially when it’s me presenting. On the good side, at least I wasn’t drunk. It ended when I started to feel better and I went home and the next morning I woke up early to go to Asem’s. We spent the day in Astana but it was all rainy and we saw the Wolverine movie (terrible – I was like ‘I think I understood all the Russian in the film but in understanding it I learned that it can’t be understood’ - her reply ‘correct’.) and the oceanarium (amazing). She also showed me where to find the best pizza in Astana.  

Then was the last week of school. It was short and days were shortened and classes were cancelled and I had other classes at orphanage and I planned summer camp and summer plans and things. And it was the first week in which I didn’t read a single thing. Because I just got Entourage seasons 1-5 and watched them all instead. I’m trying to go on vacation in August. I was planning India but due to monsoon season and my travel partner’s parents maybe coming to Kazakhstan we are probably gonna try to go in November after monsoons and when there is a school break so it still doesn’t disrupt many things.  

Then it snowed again, the fruit crop might be ruined. this was on may 23

here is lake akkol

this is akkol why its hyperlinked ill never know

worlds saddest bear
kokpar

audryspak or however its speleld

kyz kuu, shes whipping him
turkistan

kazakhstan
that head is about to be lit on fire

I shaved my beard. It was huge and always out of control. Probably because I did nothing to tame it besides washing it. In my upcoming beard expedition which either starts this summer or when the next school year starts, I might invest in a clipped to keep it not officially out of control.